Bella's Diary
by CereuleanBlue
Summary: Crackfic.  The whole Twilight Series from the POV of Bella's diary.


**A/N: So, I wrote this in like 20 minutes while I was putting off shampooing my carpet on 12/23. Yeah, it's crackfic. So pull the stick out of your anus and chillax a little bit. You might like it. **

**Disclaimer: All thing Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer. The rest of this shit can be directly attributed to Jose Cuervo.**

Dear Diary,

Hi, I'm Bella Swan. I'm just a plain, regular, clumsy teenage girl, so of course all the guys at school have gone totally ape-shit over me. I mean if I were gorgeous like Lauren, smart like Angela, or knew all the good rumors like Jessica, then they would probably all just ignore me and pretend I was a piece of furniture that served no real purpose.

Well all the guys at school are into me except one, Edward Cullen *sigh* He's such a dreamy, sparkly dude. I mean, he even smells good. I know because I snuck a sniff or two sitting next to him in science class when I was supposed to be taking notes on My Toes Is or something. I know there's something weird about him because he has the same complexion as that cancer kid from my old school back in Phoenix, except all his hair hasn't fallen out.

Oh his hair! *sigh*

Anyway, I know he doesn't like me because he acted like my deodorant wasn't getting it done the first day I met him. I know it was, I use Secret Prescription Strength because of that little perspiration problem I had back in middle school. I mean, is it such a big deal if a girl can water the garden just by walking through it with her hands held up in the air? I think it's a neat party trick actually. Not like anyone would notice it here in Forks; it's raining all the time here anyway.

I mean seriously. I'm planning on writing a strongly worded letter to the Weather Channel's complaint department and petitioning for a sunny day around here. My plain, ordinary brown hair can't take much more of this humidity before something unordinary happens to it.

-x-x-x-

Dear Diary,

So I have it figured out. I think Edward Cullen is a gay superhero, like Batman. I'll bet that blonde kid who always looks constipated at their table is his Robin. It would explain that funny look on his face all the time. You know a hot guy like Edward would have to be a top *sigh*

Strangely, it makes me all tingly _down there_ when I think about Edward and Blonde Constipated Boy going at it in the broom closet at school and in their house after school. I mean, that's not incest right? They live together and all, but they're totally adopted.

Anyway, so I think he's a superhero because he totes saved me from a speeding van the other day, and wrapped his cold, hard arms around me. I wonder if he's got a circulation problem because his hands are always cold. Oh I know, I'll knit him a pair of mittens for a thank you gift. I bet I can find some purple sparkly after that trip to La Push with Jessica and that gaysian kid who sits across the table. What's his name?

You know I think something is totally up in Forks or something. It's probably so full of the gays because of how close we are to Canada. Canadians are totally gay.

-x-x-x-

Dear Diary,

So, I met this hot kid from La Push the other day. Well, I re-met him because apparently we like made out over mud pies when we were 3 years old or something, but whatever. And you know he was totally into me and my ordinary ass. How could he resist? I mean, there were cute girls in skin tight body suits around and then me in my hoodie and jeans. You know my outfit was way better.

At least he's not gay.

Speaking of gay, I'm not sure if Edward is gay anymore. I mean, I'm pretty sure he is, but not completely. And I know he's not a superhero because I so asked at the salad bar the other day. I think he's escaped from the circus though, because he can juggle apples like a total circus clown. Maybe he really does have a circulation problem or something, you know that probably interferes with his _down there_ and keeps him and Blonde Boy with A Corn Cob Up His Ass from doing anything serious.

Plus, people keep saying that that Blonde Boy is with that Fairy Girl. I bet she's a lesbian and is just using him for cover. I heard they were from Alaska. That's so part of Canada, so there's like a 50% chance they're all homos…

-x-x-x-

Dear Diary,

I went shopping in Port Angeles today and found this awesome book about Cold Ones. I bought it for Charlie because I thought it was some kind of beer thing, but when I looked inside it was really about vampires who sparkle. It is so awesome. *sigh*

I wish there were sparkly vampires at my school, but no. Instead, it's filled with gays. I'm going to have to learn to lick a girl _down there_ to fit in. I just know it. I've been looking around, and I think I'm going to have to choose that fairy looking Cullen girl to be my first girl on girl experience. Maybe she'll let me tape it, and we can sell it to Girls Gone Wild or something.

Now, I'm like 100% sure that Edward is gay. We ran into each other in Port Angeles, just when I was getting to know an interesting group of guys I met in a back alley. They were so into me because I must have been the most ordinary girl they'd ever seen around here. All of a sudden, he comes roaring up in that Vulva and starts cockblocking the hell out of me. I mean, he can't have all the guys around here to himself; he's going to have to share.

Although, I wouldn't have minded watching while he and those boys had one of those – what do you call em? Bang Gangs or something. That might have been … Ooh tingly bits _down there_.

-x-x-x-

Dear Diary,

I was so wrong. Edward Cullen is not gay; he's a sparklepire. You like that word? I made it up. Anyway, he's one of those blood suckers that glow in the dark, and he's way into me. I totally knew it. How could he resist the sheer normalness of my being? He was just afraid he was going to eat me before he got a chance to get to know me.

Oh, and he's been watching me sleep! *sigh* Isn't that romantic? I hope I don't talk in my sleep, or I'm going to have some explaining to do about that tingly dream I had starring Edward and Jasper… Jasper is that Blonde Kid Who Sucked A Lemon. Turns out he's with Alice, the pixie/fairy/lesbian girl.

Oh, I also might have to explain that dream where Jacob was a werewolf, and he had sex with Edward while still in werewolf form. TINGLES…

Anyway, so yeah… He's been watching me sleep and breaking into my room at night and stealing little pieces of my hair to put in a shrine he showed me in the corner of his bedroom. It's full of pictures of me and little candles and pieces of my hair and toe nail clippings and the ball of fuzzy goo he pulled out of my shower drain. You know, little keepsakes. I bet everybody's boyfriend would love to have stuff from their girlfriends like that.

Oh yeah, he's my boyfriend *sigh* I mean , we totally hooked up in science and took a trip into the woods after class one day and the next day he's my boyfriend. I'm pretty sure we'll be married by Spring Break.

-x-x-x-

Dear Diary,

You would not believe what a freaking weird Spring Break I had. Where do I start?

Well, Edward took me to play baseball with his family, and we ran into some more freaking hot sparklepires out in the woods. I especially liked the girl with the long curly red hair. Meow…

Anyway, so my being so ordinary was more than they could handle, and their leader decided that he just had to have me for his own. I was about to tell Edward that the two of them could just hook up and let me watch instead when they started this big snarl fest over little old me.

Anyway, Edward sent me off with Alice and Jasper in one of their cars and we decided to go to Phoenix because like no one would think to look for me in my hometown. I mean that's the last place I would go after that whole debacle with the last school assembly, right? But I didn't see the big deal; I mean, everyone should do a strip tease during the school talent show. It's not like I was naked or anything. I had on a g-string and pasties. They totally overreacted.

Well, my mom called me in Phoenix and was all panicky and shit like she'd lost me at the Walmart again or something. We used to play that game a lot when I was little. Mom would take me to Walmart, and I'd get lost for hours while she went down the street to play video poker. And just when the cops were about to take me off to the children's home, she'd show up all worried and whisk me off to a different Walmart to play all over again.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure all those vamps were crawling up my ass crack because I was on my period that week. I caught Edward with a suspicious looking string hanging out from between his teeth, but he told me he was just flossing.

Well, when I went to go meet my mom and that hot looking sparklevamp at the ballet studio where I used to take dance lessons, it turns out she wasn't even there. I was all like WTF when I saw it was just him. And then Edward showed up. The two of them lathered themselves all over in oil and got naked and wrestled for the honor of sniffing my panties in the middle of the dance room floor. *sigh* It was so romantic.

Well, anyway. I cut myself on a broken piece of glass from the mirror that James beat my head on. That was how I knew he had a crush on me. The other way I knew was the way he bit down on my wrist in that flirtatious way. I mean he practically mouth fucked it… It made me tingly again _down there_.

Then Edward took his turn mouth fucking my wrist. If only I could have seen Edward mouth fucking James _you know what_. TINGLES

-x-x-x-

Dear Diary,

I saw Edward NAKED! April Fools…

He's too much of a sparklegentleman to let me see him naked before we are married, silly.

-x-x-x-

Dear Diary,

I have decided. I want to be a sparklepire. Especially if it means I can see Edward's sparklepeen.

-x-x-x-

Dear Diary,

I'm pretty sure Edward is gay. Again.

Or maybe my deodorant isn't working… I don't know. He won't bite me. Oh, he'll dry hump the hell out of me, but no actual humping and no biting. It's getting ridiculous. I'm about to just go and make Alice do it. I mean have sex with me, and then maybe afterwards she will turn me into a SparklePrincessVampire. Now, that would make a good Disney movie.

I mean, he won't even let me suck his _hey now_. That's not really even sex. Just ask Mike Newton. He told me that during English last week, so I gave him a BJ under the table. Everyone knows English class BJs don't count.

So prom's coming up, and I'm so not going. I'm just too ordinary to dance. Plus I still have this cast from that whole Spring Break wish-it-had-been-a-threesome thing. Well, I got to go. The prom is tonight and Alice is coming over to teach me the fine art of muff diving. I'm not much of a swimmer, but she said that wasn't a problem. I'm interested in discovering what these muff-things are anyway. Alice said they were something like a bearded clam, so that ought to be cool.

Then I guess we'll just sit around and not be at prom. Maybe tonight will be the night that it happens. You know, Edward will let me touch it. And maybe he'll even turn me into his own SparkleWhore.

-x-x-x-

**A/N: No offense meant to gays, gaysians, Asians, Canadians, Batman & Robin, sparkles, whores, princesses, hey nows, down theres, Disney, or Walmart. As you can probably tell, I teach middle school. It rubs off. Ha ha I said rubs…**


End file.
